Bereavement and loss
Bereavement addresses the issues and feelings that may come up following the death of someone who was important to you. Although most of us will have this experience, it is often not something we think about much until it happens to us, and we can feel unprepared and thrown off balance by the intensity of our feelings when someone close to us dies.
Some of the information in this section may well be relevant to those undergoing other types of loss; the feelings experienced, for example, after the break-up of a relationship, parents divorcing or an abortion or miscarriage can be similar to those felt after a death.
Feelings you may have when someone dies
We all need to grieve in our own way and in our own time. Below are set out some of the feelings and behaviour that are often experienced, sometimes in quick succession as you may feel very volatile:
- shock and disbelief: you may feel numb and be unable to take in what has happened – even if you knew the person was very ill;
- anxious and panicky: sometimes in situations that wouldn't normally bother you;
- guilt and regret: whether for things you wish you'd said and done (or not done) or for just being alive; these feelings are particularly strong when someone has committed suicide;
- an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness
- sometimes you may feel as though a part of yourself has been lost;
- depressed: feelings of wanting to withdraw from family and friends; at times you may feel despairing, that there is no point in going on;
- anger and rage: some of this may relate to feeling out of control, that everything is chaotic;
- lonely: a sense of injustice and envy of those who aren't suffering in this way;
- relief: particularly if the person who has died was suffering a great deal.
In addition you may find yourself affected in some of the following ways:
- sleep disturbance it may be difficult to get to sleep, stay asleep or you may wake early;
- loss of appetite
- restless, agitated and panicky to the point where you feel you're going mad (these feelings are very common) together with a sense of foreboding;
- preoccupied: unable to get the dead person out of your mind; you may dream about them or imagine you see them or hear them;
- unable to concentrate, inability to cope with everyday life, including the demands of your university work;
- irritable, tearful and exhausted.
Other physical symptoms may be present; you may feel dizzy, sick, have a raised heart beat or have digestive problems. If you are concerned, consult your GP or college nurse.
What might help
If possible, talk to a sympathetic listener; it will help you to clarify your feelings and you'll feel supported and less alone.
Try to accept the range of feelings and reactions you have, and where possible, allow yourself to express them; many people find that they cry a lot at times and that this is helpful in letting the feelings out.
Let your tutors know what has happened if your work is affected; you need their understanding and help in planning your studies.
Accept that grieving can be a long process, and that it can't be hurried; it may take two years or more before you can feel that you are beginning to come to terms with your loss. Anniversaries, Christmas and other events may all be painful times.
Advice & support
If you find it hard to talk to friends and family, it may help to talk to a counsellor. Everyone's circumstances are unique, and this will enable you to have some time and space to think about what has happened and how it is affecting you.
If you are worried by physical symptoms or continue to find eating and sleeping difficult, speak to your GP or college nurse.
It is particularly important to seek help if you continue to feel hopeless, despairing or suicidal.
| Organisation |
Phone |
|---|---|
| Cruse Bereavement Care |
01865 245398 |
| Miscarriage Association |
01924 200799 |
| Compassionate Friends
(help and support for bereaved parents from parents who have had
this
experience) |
0117 953 9639 |