Parents
We are often contacted by parents who are aware that their son or daughter is struggling at university and are unsure how best to help them. It can be especially difficult when that son or daughter is not very communicative about their difficulties and/or appears resistant to getting help. What follows are some thoughts we hope might be helpful:
Developmentally, university represents an important transition between childhood and adulthood with young people expected, and expecting, to take far more responsibility for all aspects of their lives. Some embrace this challenge, others find it hard. However your son or daughter will not have to cope with the challenge alone: Oxford offers a strong support network which includes tutors, college welfare teams, peer supporters, chaplains, college nurses, GPs and the University Counselling Service. All of these resources are available to them throughout their time at Oxford.
If your son or daughter is having a particularly hard time the most natural thing to do is to encourage them to come home where you can look after them, but we suggest you think carefully about when it is really in their interest to return home. In the face of problems, the desire to regress can be very powerful. Being able to phone or go home can be a really important way of gaining some perspective or simply taking some time out. But, developmentally, one of the most important ways in which you can support your son or daughter is to encourage them to remain at university and to make use of the help available to them here to address their difficulties.
You may be able to help by reminding them of the support available and helping them to see getting help as a positive step. But be careful not to push too hard. Counselling (or other help) will be more effective if the student has chosen it for him or herself.
If you have serious concerns, you may wish to alert a member of the welfare team in his or her college. The person with whom you speak is unlikely to be able to give you any specific information because all University staff are bound by a code of confidentiality which means that under all normal circumstances no information given in confidence can be divulged to a third party - even a parent - without the student’s express permission. Nevertheless, getting in touch may provide an opportunity for you to talk through your concerns and gain more information about the support available to students.
We are sometimes asked by parents whether their son or daughter has come to us for counselling. We understand your concern but hope you will understand that we cannot give this information to you without your son or daughter’s express permission. If a student is receiving counselling for emotional problems they have not disclosed to their parents, we would explore with them the reasons for this and encourage them to consider whether this is right decision for them in their particular circumstances. In many cases, one of the outcomes of counselling is that the student decides to share difficulties more fully with family and friends to access their understanding and support. Equally, if you know that your son or daughter is attending counselling and you have information that you feel we should have, you should be aware that it is only possible for us to use this kind of information as part of the counselling process if the student is aware that a conversation has taken place between the service and you.